Friday, June 24, 2016

The Loss that Killed My Mojo

The end of the month brings my favorite blog link-up with Marcia!
Head on over to her blog for some great Runfessions!  
In the past, my runfessions have been light-hearted and have an element of humor.  
Most Runfessions do. 
Not today.


I RUNFESS:   The loss of my dog on Monday murdered my motivation.   I mean seriously... I need an intervention.  Honestly, the only reason I've even functioned this week is because I have two small children that are my whole world.  I also have a job and my boss would start to wonder if I didn't show up to work.  I'm sure my patient's wouldn't be very happy if I last minute cancelled their appointments either.  


I won't even talk about the food I'm consuming this week.  Is there a food addiction program?  "Hello, my name is Gina and I'm addicted to Shit food."  RUNFESSION #2:  I've always been addicted to SHIT food, it's just this week I don't give a damn.


On Monday,  I didn't eat at all.  I think maybe a protein bar all day.  How could I?  My baby was leaving this earth.  4 pm.  Worst day of my life for sure.  I still see his amazing face laying peacefully on the floor.  Me crumbled in a sobbing ball pressed up next to his body.   My husband and I took Lukin together.  Thank goodness for each other.  We became closer in that moment than we've ever been before.  I am thankful for his love and support. 

My house is eerily quiet.  Even over the noise of rambunctious boys.....it's just.so.quiet.  No clicking nails from his paws, no panting at our feet for food.  No doggie dreams as he lays on the floor.  Lukin's presence is all over the house.  3 dog beds, balls, blankets, hair, hair, hair... did I mention the hair?  Oh how I want the hair all over my house and my bed and my walls and my clothes... Will it just bring him back?  

It's no secret that he was aging.  His breathing was labored.  We dealt with poop in the house every day for 6 months.  He was deaf.  I'm convinced he was very senile.  He had no idea our house was not his bathroom anymore.  He had very little muscle mass on his back end.  As I write, my brain tells me we did the right thing.  My heart will always tell me different.   

He was one of the best things about my life and now he's gone.  The hole in my heart has destroyed a bit of my happy.  I have zero running mojo and don't really care to get after it.  I know with time I'll heal.   I do choose happy.  I have so much to be thankful for and happy about.  My life is a gift with so many blessings.   Just look at that face!  He's the most beautiful dog I have ever seen. 


Today I did get out for my first post-marathon run.  I RUNFESS:  it felt good.   I also RUNFESS: I haven't written about my first marathon experience yet.  I've been too sad to focus on the happy of that day.  I'm waiting for the right time to discuss it.  I want to, so look for that post soon.  I just feel guilty talking about my triumph when it was so closely followed by sadness.

Today is a beautiful day and I choose to focus on happy today.  My post-run pic had a beautiful ray of sunshine through it and that's my Lukin looking down on his mommy and smiling away.  In his fields filled with fat pheasants.



Do you have any runfessions you want to discuss today?  Link-up and tell us your thoughts! 






14 comments:

  1. Oh Gina I'm so sorry, I am crying for you. I've been there and I will be again, soon sadly. One of our dogs will probably have to go down next week. Yes very old, senile, blind, deaf, the pooping. Ours had another stroke. Sigh. It's all so hard. That face is so precious. Big hugs to you my friend.

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    1. Oh no Marcia!! Good luck. I don't wish this heartache on anyone. Sending you strength and a big virtual hug!

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  2. Gina I am so sorry. We had to put down our dog, Molly last saturday. I know exactly how you feel. We think she suffered a stroke during the night as when we woke she couldn't walk. It was a horrible experience. I hope you are able to work though this hard time, huge hugs to you.

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    1. Oh my goodness! So many dogs went to heaven this week! Sending you a hug as well. Nothing compares to our dogs that's for sure!!

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  3. I totally feel your pain. In fact, your post made me realize that I'm still sad about my baby Cleo. She was also 13. It's really really hard to say good bye to a beloved pet. We've done it a few times and when we talked about getting another dog, knowing that we only have them for a short time was really holding me back. We waited 5 months before we got Cocoa. I was ready. It took about 1 minute for me to fall in love. Let yourself grieve and wait until you are ready to open your heart again. Hugs.

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    1. We have semi-decided we are not getting another dog. Our lives are crazy busy with the boys being so young. Maybe someday. I cleaned up his beds today and stored them in the attic. :(

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  4. Awwwww.....I wish I could hug you through the screen. It's crazy how much real estate these little non-humans claim in our hearts. I say all that and I only have 18 months experience with a dog...our little guy, Max. It took him all of 30 seconds to secure a spot in our lives when we brought him home. Hugs to you, and take your time grieving.....that's a beautiful pic of the ray of Lukin's smile ;-)

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    1. Dogs are THE BEST! Enjoy your time with Max!!!

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  5. He is a beautiful dog! My heart goes out to you as a dog Mama of two. I took a long break between our previous dog and these two. It was hard to deal with the loss. I also had two small boys around that time. You eventually realize how much joy they bring into a family. Once I adopted these, I wondered how on earth I did without them. Big, big hug!

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    1. Thanks Holly! They are so wonderful. You almost feel bad for not enjoying them every moment. Maybe someday. ;)

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  6. He is very beautiful! I am so sad for you. It is the worst...
    I totally get that pain, I held my dog back in 2002 as she took her last breath and still don't have another. I recently lost my 16 year old cat I still miss him everyday. Your boys are a blessing in times like these, they give you a reason to get up an smile.

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    1. Thank you Karen - it's so surreal. I guess you don't really ever think you'll be at the point to say goodbye. We aren't planning on another with the boys being so busy. But you never know in time.

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  7. I am SO sorry for your loss. I've lost 2 fur babies all ready and it never gets easier. But we have to remember that we gave them a good life and that's what counts. My husband told me this once and I want to share it with you in hopes that it give you some peace, he said "Our pets are only on loan from God. He trusts us enough to take care of them until he calls them home".

    It's still so hard to make peace with it though I know. *Hugs*

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    1. Thank you so much. The days are getting easier but it's so hard to walk past areas where he liked to relax.

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